I am so disappointed that a judge just pushed the pause button on Donald Trump’s nearly $1.8 billion compensation/slush fund for MAGAs who “believe” they were wrongly prosecuted by the Biden administration. He originally wanted $10 billion but was willing to settle for $1.8 (really $1.776 billion to celebrate the spirit of 1776 (you can’t make this stuff up) and because he doesn’t want to appear greedy. I had already written four satires about how corrupt the self-dealing is, but now it may not happen and all those puns will go to waste. When will Trump sign an executive order closing the courts so he can actually get away with whatever he wants? After the mid-terms? Ok, good.

Still, MAGAs are lining up for that money, remember in Texas you can’t give them bottled water while they wait, or is that only for people trying to vote? But I digress. I heard that George Santos is first in line, he wants money and also an apology, but in a pinch he’ll just take the money.

It’s true that E. Jean Carol and James Comey were targeted by Trump’s in-justice department, but people wrongly prosecuted by Trump won’t qualify. There are too many of them and it would bankrupt the fund in three seconds. So Ashli Babbitt might get some, but not Brian Sicknick. Jonathan Ross, who shot and killed Renée Good, could use the cash. Also “vicious” Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin was investigated by Sleepy Joe (yawn) and would like a few million for his trouble.

The truth is that if any of the rank and file (emphasis on the rank) MAGAs thought they would ever see a penny of that money, they don’t know Trump. First he eliminated the penny, not that anyone gave two cents, and second he’s promised to donate most of the fund, after reasonable expenses, to his favorite charity, his own pocket. Besides it’s not all that much money, today with Trump’s inflation running rampant, a billion dollars doesn’t buy what it used to.

Just because Trump decided to settle his own lawsuit against his own presidency and set up a secret panel chosen by himself to decide who gets how much money with no accountability or transparency, what could go wrong? Any time he needs cash he can order the in-justice department to wrongly prosecute himself and then get a settlement out of it. It’s his best scam since Trump University. The truth is that when it comes to this sort of grift Trump truly is a very stable genius.

All this kerfuffle over this relatively small amount of money, compared to say… the war, is just a distraction from Trump’s biggest accomplishment (after suppressing the Epstein file) so far in his second term. He has increased his personal wealth from between $2.3 and $3.9 billion in 2020, the figures depending on whether he was committing bank fraud, insurance fraud or tax fraud, and almost doubling his wealth (not to mention his friends and family’s) to $7.3 billion in as little as 18 months. I don’t know about the rest of America, but he’s made himself great again that’s for sure. My personal wealth didn’t go up half that much. How about yours?

At this rate, at the end of his second term he’ll be worth more than $14 billion, and God only knows how many billions by the end of his third term. That’s a lot better than Obama ever did. The truth is that Trump is proud to have stolen more money from the American people than all the other low IQ presidents combined! That’s the true spirit of 1776. With profits like that, who needs the No-Bell prize for losers? And, it goes without saying, he didn’t pay a penny in taxes. It makes him super smart. But I digress again, again.

Andy Morris-Friedman lives in Hadley.