Now that President For Life Trump (PFLT) has brought peace to three continents, he can’t understand why he hasn’t been nominated for the “No Bell Peace Prize.” The truth is that Trump wants that prize more then anything he’s ever wanted since Stormy Daniels. This years award went to María Corina Machado of Venezuela, but that vote was rigged and she was an obvious DEI winner and not really qualified. The truth is that PFLT deserved to win not only the peace prize, but all prizes in all the categories.

He should win the physics prize for bringing chaos theory to the White House. He should win the chemistry prize for discovering that he could single handedly stop global warming by keeping his mouth shut. He should win the economics prize for never having paid his taxes. It “makes him smart.” He should share the physiology prize with Jeffery Epstein for their hands-on approach to exploring female anatomy.

Obviously, he could also win the peace prize for either ending the Afghanistan War, or the Palestine war, or the Ukraine war, whichever one actually ends first. But let’s be clear: he’d prefer not to share a piece of the peace prize with Putin. Putin wants some peace in Ukraine alright, actually he wants every piece of Ukraine. Again this year, Putin’s a shoe-in for the No Bell War Prize. Better luck next year Bibi Netanyahu. But I digress.

The problem is, there aren’t prizes for the things that PFLT is naturally good at, like, “This year’s No Bell Prize for destroying democracy goes to …” or ” … the prize to the president who has pardoned the most convicted felons from his cabinet is …” or “… for firing the most Black Women from a government job goes to …”

The truth is winning the peace prize won’t satisfy him for long because winning once only makes him tied with Obama. That won’t do. So to be better than Obama, PFLT needs to be the first person to win the Peace Prize twice. Actually, he deserves to win all the prizes everywhere, every year, from everyone, from now until the end of his presidency (if it ever comes) and beyond time and space. But those know-nothing Norwegians will never give him the No Bell just out of spite, so PFLT will have to make up his own peace prize, give it to himself and donate the 120 gazillion dollar prize to his own pocket. I can see it now, “This years winner of the President for life Trump Peace Prize goes to…you guessed it folks, Donald Trump! Better luck next year Don Jr.” Why should No Bell have a prize named after him? PFLT has blown up the “deep state” what did No Bell ever blow up? But I digress, again.

The only snag with starting his own prize is that he has to pay the winner from his own money, even if it’s himself every year, which it would be, obviously, and paying yourself isn’t that profitable or fun after a while. Maybe he could he get another country to pay for it, but which one?

Andy Morris-Friedman lives in Hadley.