At last, I’d finished my Biden series — but enough public service. I yearned to return to my brand of seriousness. Longtime readers may remember my imaginary friend, Throckmorton, and his equally imaginary partner, Brynhildr.

Well, no sooner did I put finishing touches on last month’s column than I was surprised by Throckmorton’s hammering at my door, always a momentary shock that is immediately followed by the realization that only Throckmorton hammers that way.

Inviting him in I asked, “Throckmorton, what brings you?”

“My buddy, Forsyth Forsooth Helmuth, in the Commissions Section of the Commonwealth Public Records Division, told me that he noticed your name on an appointment. He said you’ve been appointed a justice of the peace for the town of Amherst. I had to come over immediately and hear it from the horse’s mouth.”

“Yep, I was appointed by the governor of the commonwealth on June 26, 2024. I’ve paid my $75 fee, gotten my commission, and taken the oath of office at the town clerk’s office.”

“So, what does a justice of the peace do? Will you be like a sheriff or a marshal? A peace officer?”

“Nope. Nothing like that. I’ll do only one thing. Marry people.”

“Marry people. Whew! Why would you want to do a thing like that. Didn’t you hear Dave Chappelle’s argument that “Devoid of religious significance or the idea of love, marriage is nothing but an awful contract that you shouldn’t sign?”

“Throckmorton, granted Dave Chappelle is the GOAT of stand-up comedy. Nobody even comes close. But Dave has been married for decades to the same woman. His bit about marriage is funny and he presents it as words to live by, but he doesn’t mean it that way. Or, at least, I hope he doesn’t.

“Is that why you and Brynhildr aren’t married?”

“Nah. We’re not having children and can’t see the point of involving the state in our relationship for any other reason.”

“So why do you want to marry people?”

“Well, I’ve been hanging out for almost 88 years. Along the way I’ve learned to attend to some of what matters and doesn’t matter, in relationship and otherwise. I think I’ve learned some things I’d like to share with people who’re starting out on a project that’s much more difficult than they imagine and for which our culture does little to prepare them.”

“Like what?”

“Well, I’d like them to know the value of four words that will save them from disagreements, arguments, accusations, and all sort of other strife. They’ll also help them seek the actual basis for the problem which often has nothing to do with who takes the garbage out. They should look to power and control. Look to their parents’ style of decision-making and decide if they want to follow in those footsteps or find another way.”

“So, what’re the four words?”

“They’re ‘It just doesn’t matter.’ It just doesn’t matter who drives, who chooses the TV to watch, or mops the floor. Which row you sit in at the movies.

“I want them to learn to use ‘What do YOU want?’ ‘YOU choose.’ ‘Where do YOU want to go?’ ‘What do YOU prefer?’ I want them to understand it’s not what you do, it’s who you do it with and how they feel.”

“What else?”

“Oh, I have a long list. I’ll give them a menu and ask what, if anything, they’d like to hear about, before or during the wedding.

“I can tell them how to be rich or poor. About the essentials of life. The problem of how to stay together as the two of you inevitably change who you are. I can tell them about what they really are. About peace and how to experience it.

“I can tell them about time. That time does not exist. That it is always now, and you are always here. When you dwell on the past or on the future you are missing your life because life only happens in the now.

“How guilt is about the past, worry is about the future, and how useless their negative aspects are. About money and how to think about it.

“About ubiquitous attempts to con you and the value of asking, ‘Oh yeah, who found that out and how?’”

“I want to hear about all that. And is there more?”

“Much more, Throckmorton, but I have to stop now because I’m at exactly 750 words.”

Richard S. Bogartz is professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and an Amherst justice of the peace.