I was glad to read that Jonathan Kahane is running for president. 2020 isn’t only a presidential year, it’s also the number of candidates who will be running. It’s like the new version of the old Andy Warhol line where every American gets to run for president for 15 minutes.
I figure that soon every idiot in America will be throwing their hat into the ring. So I made my announcement on the historic steps of my house (future home of an ex-presidential candidate) just a few minutes ago. I’m running on the “No hope ticket.” Our platform (which could collapse at any moment) is simple. There’s no hope for our planet, no hope for our country, no hope for our state, no hope for our town and no hope for us. None at all.
Call it the new pessimism. It’s a lot like the old pessimism, only worse. I figure I have this issue all to myself because most politicians want to appear optimistic. But where has their optimism gotten us? They call it looking on the bright side, I call it denying reality. Do you feel hope for the future? Do you work for a better world and a stronger tomorrow? A future where the noblest qualities of America shine like a beacon of hope around the world? If you do, then this campaign is not for you.
But I digress. We have made such a royal mess of everything; I can only describe it as being indescribable. As the scientists say, entropy cannot be reversed. We might as well pack it in and watch football. I’m a NY Jets fan and there’s no hope for them either.
But why bother to even vote? You have to; it’s your patri-idiotic duty to vote. So please, vote for me, if you believe as I do, and join me in helping to fund this noble yet hopeless cause. So far I haven’t accepted a single dollar of corporate or PAC money. But I want to be clear that I would definitely take it if any were ever offered. Not that there’s much hope of that.
Until then, I am counting on you, the average hopeless American, to show just how hopeless things really are. Through rain and snow and gloom of night, our slogan is, “Things can always get worse.”
Andy Morris-Friedman
Hadley