With things heating up in our nation’s capital, many are bewildered. Who said what to who? (Or whom, I always forget.) What did the president know, and when did he Tweet his own version of it? And why are so many people getting teary-eyed over Watergate?
To answer your questions, we turn again to Baby Scammer. As the son of Sam the Scam, retired scandologist, Baby Scammer takes your questions from a flak-proof bunker just beyond the Beltway.
Dear Baby Scammer:
So the president called the former FBI director a “nutjob.” Is this any way for the guy who sits in Lincoln’s old chair to talk about the guy who wears the mantle of J. Edgar Hoover?
Outraged in Orange
Dear Outraged:
Thanks to a steady diet of fake news, your question is riddled with errors. I’ll take them one at a time. First, Lincoln never sat down in the White House. He stood ramrod stiff for four straight years. Proof of his greatness. Next, given our current president’s vast vocabulary of insults, “nutjob” is a compliment.
Still, terms like “nutjob” don’t help our democracy, so let’s all curb our tongues, and treat our leaders with respect. Truth is, if ever there was a first-class nutjob in D.C., it was Hoover. Seems the president just got his FBI directors confused, understandable given all the stress he’s under for being such a loon.
Dear Baby Scammer:
I know the election is over, but I have to share what I just heard about Hillary. Not only did she run a crack ring out of DC, but as First Lady she strangled a golden retriever puppy while sitting in Lincoln’s old chair. What do you think of her now, America?
Dodged a Bullet in Dodge, KS
Dear Dodged in Dodge:
Thanks for being a cog in the wheel of the great lie machine that keeps me and hundreds of other scandologists fat and happy. When my dad pioneered this field back in the ’90s, he had two, maybe three scandals a month. Truth was truth, facts were facts, and we damn near starved until Monica came along.
But now, thanks to gullible Americans like yourself, my children go to private schools, we vacation in Aruba, and life is good. As for Hillary, rumors about the woman have joined the ranks of alien abductions, daycare ritual abuse and fake moon landings. What do I think of her? I think we should leave her alone.
Dear Baby Scammer:
So Trump fires Comey and says it’s because of Hillary and that puppy she strangled, but no one has found any dead puppies in the White House. But isn’t that because CNN said Hillary hid the poor little puppy’s body under Lincoln’s old chair? Or is it because FOX said the dead puppy was buried in the Rose Garden?
Confused in CT
Dear Confused:
Your questions have me thinking of putting a new wing on the house. I think I speak on behalf of all news media when I say, “Keep it up.”
Dear Baby Scammer:
So now it comes out that Trump told Comey to lay off the Flynn investigation because Flynn had strangled a Russian wolfhound, but Trump said Obama was lying when he warned him the dog might be in cahoots with Putin and — oh hell, when is it Watergate again?
Missing Nixon
Dear Missing:
It’s not Watergate until we tack on the -gate. At the moment, we aren’t sure which investigation to go full-gate. Stay tuned.
Dear Baby Scammer:
What’s the worst thing the president has done so far? The travel ban? The appointments? The firing? Eh?
Make America Groan Again
Dear Make:
Hands down, the worst thing he’s done is getting us to talk about him all the time. And that’s all the time we have. Keep it up, America. Keep believing anything that makes you mad. Keep spreading the slime, and I’ll be franchising my business by 2020.
Bruce Watson can be reached at breadandroses22@yahoo.com.