Despite a year of somber analysis, today’s political pundits have failed to understand the GOP presidential candidate. They underestimated his appeal, over-stated his business savvy, and failed to detect his sarcasm. Now, as the home stretch begins, pundits are mired in their original sin of considering him to be a serious candidate.
Don’t they see? Can’t they understand? This was never meant to be a presidential campaign. This is performance art. And only by considering the scenarios the candidate had in mind can we hope, while picking through the campaign’s ashes, to understand. Seems the candidate began by playing his own part in … a Marx Brother movie:
GROUCHO: This is the most ridiculous excuse for a campaign I’ve ever seen. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. And get that hair outta here, I just ate.
CHICOLANKA: At’s a right, boss. My guy Donaldo, he don’t think real good. But he’s-a gotta wife, oooh, baby, she’s-a real looker. What-a you think, Harponka?
HARPONKA: Honk, honk.
GROUCHO: Well, Donaldo, what have you got to say for yourself? Is there any reason on earth, other than slow suicide, that anyone with a pulse should vote for you?
DONALDO: This is gonna be huge. Huge!
GROUCHO: Just as I thought. Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
The candidate, it turns out, was a big fan of the Brothers Marx, and their buffoonery was his campaign’s original inspiration. But younger voters didn’t get the references so the performance shifted into its second scene to … a blockbuster disaster movie.
VOICEOVER: In a world … where good and evil battle to the death (DRUMS, MOUNTING TENSION) … where a great nation is humiliated on the world stage (CUT TO CLIPS OF BENGHAZI), where chaos reigns in the streets (SHOTS FROM NIGHTLY CNN FEED), where politicians have the popularity of pond scum (PHOTOS OF THE CLINTONS) … One Man stands between anarchy and the future. One Man can fix it. One Man can make America great again. And that man …
The disaster scenario worked for awhile but then people met the man and let’s just say he was no Vin Diesel. He wouldn’t follow the script, missed all his cues, and trash-talked everyone on the set. Once the movie went into national release, it bombed at the box office. Not even the Republican base bought tickets. So the candidate turned to his next scenario … theater of the absurd.
LIMBAUGH: Nothing to be done.
PAULRYAN: I’m beginning to come around to that opinion.
LIMBAUGH: Charming spot. Inspiring prospects. Let’s go.
PAULRYAN: We can’t. We’re waiting for Trumpot.
LIMBAUGH: His name is Trumpot?
PAULRYAN: I think so.
LIMBAUGH: Fancy that. What makes him so special?
PAULRYAN: He’s not one of us. He’s an outsider, a populist, a …
Very few Republican voters had heard of the original. And when the press revealed that the GOP campaign was being based on an absurdist comedy, written in French no less, it was time to call in some artistic consultants.
Taking their advice, yet still determined to be anything but serious, the candidate began performing in one genre after another. June was comedy improv, July a political version of “Project Runway.” Parts of August were based on the TV sitcoms “Joanie Loves Chachie” and “My Mother, The Car.” Still, the audience dwindled.
So now we are in the home stretch. What artistic genres will the campaign play out next? A World Wrestling Federation match? A hip-hop musical? A high school production of “Our Town”? Whatever hijinx may be in store, you can bet pundits won’t get the jokes. But the public, realizing that the candidate himself is the joke, will be tuned out. The show will be canceled Nov. 8.