It’s been another quiet week on the mighty planet Jupiter. Enormous clouds of methane and other lethal gases swirled across the planet’s surface. The giant red spot, larger than the United States, larger than Earth, even larger than some candidate’s mouths, spun like a hurricane across the face of the deep. Massive, bone-crushing gravity just would not quit. And enormous clouds of deadly radiation killed anything that came within orbital range of the solar system’s most unforgiving planet.
Which is why, on the whole, I’d rather be on Jupiter than in Cleveland or Philadelphia. You know what you’re going to get on Jupiter. It’s not pretty but it’s a future you can depend on. There is no life, of course, but that means there is no stupid life.
After a five-year journey, NASA’s planetary probe Juno is now circling Jupiter. Juno will be looking for clues to the origin of the planet. Somehow this giant ball formed out of gas yet never became solid. Jupiter is really a big windbag. It’s mostly hydrogen, the Hindenburg gas that explodes at the slightest spark. But it also has plenty of helium to make you talk funny when you inhale. Finally come noxious methane and other gases that make you sick just thinking about them. Does all this sound like any presidential candidate you know?
So Jupiter is one enormous, lethal stew. All that menace notwithstanding, as the spacecraft Juno orbits the planet looking for clues, I’ll be eying the photos, looking for a place to live.
Because I’ve just about had it here, and I think you know what I’m talking about. Life on Jupiter would be difficult but largely free of that growing threat to all life in the universe— people. Scientists have calculated that the average human life expectancy on Jupiter would be measured in seconds. Lately, when the news comes on, that’s good enough for me.
Truth is, I’ve dreamt of Jupiter since I was a kid. I was one of those obnoxious little twerps who knew the names of all the planets before I knew the names of my own siblings. I also knew how many moons each planet had. Jupiter had 12 in those days, Saturn nine. Nowadays, however, Jupiter has 67 moons, which to me suggests not stronger telescopes but genuine opportunities in real estate. One of these moons, Europa, is said to have an underground ocean, so there you go. Surfing, as well as seafood.
I remember being told that if I lived on Jupiter, I would weigh umpteen times what I weigh on Earth. Scientists, obsessed with precision, have since defined “umpteen” as “a whole lot.” Whatever the number, no human muscles could stand in such gravity. Just stepping outside on Jupiter would crush your hopes like NPR on a typical day.
So why Jupiter, friends ask? Why not Mars? Everyone is talking about getaways to Mars. Movies, NASA, private companies are all wondering if humanity’s future might be on the red planet. Is an expedition possible? Would you go? Would you go if she went? Or her? Or that dude over there with the funny shirt?
Mars never appealed to me, not even as a twerpy space kid. Too similar to Earth. Too dry. And now that we’ve seen photos, too much like Arizona. And you couldn’t get me to live in Phoenix if you lowered the temperature to 99 and let me carry concealed weapons.
No, Jupiter it is. So while the rest of you wallow in the extraterrestrial news from Cleveland and Philadelphia, I’ll be studying those Juno photos. Wait! Over there, just to the west of the Giant Red Spot! Isn’t that a sign of squashed life. A flattened condo? Another franchise of Olive Garden? I’m on my way! Oh, the humanity!
