LAST week those smarty pants computers added the ancient Chinese game of Go to the list of games they can win against mere humans. I say it’s time for some new games.
We take you to the locker room. It’s half-time in the Artificial Intelligence Playoffs. During the first half, the Computer team trounced our best chess player and humiliated our Go champ. Those fiendish computers also embarrassed our checkers king, made our Scrabble pro weep, and sent our Chutes and Ladders team into spasmodic fits of giggles and regret. Oh, and in case you hadn’t heard, computers can also speak, listen, trade stocks, build cars, drive cars, forecast weather, doodle, drum a mean backbeat, dance the Macarena. … We’re losing the artificial intelligence game big time. What do you say, coach?
“All right, you Humans, listen up. I said LISTEN UP! It’s time to quit @#$@$@ around out there. We’re makin’ fools of ourselves against these machines and we gotta face facts. We can’t beat them at smart games anymore. Chess, Go, Rock Paper Scissors — they kill us every time. We gotta make ’em play dumb games, games only a genuine human idiot can win. Here’s my plan.
“When the second half starts, I want three of you to walk up to IBM’s Watson and challenge that genius machine to a drinking game. Shots. Jack Daniels, straight up. You guys are good for a half-dozen shots each but Watson’ll short out after the first two. If he doesn’t, Phil here’s gonna show him who’s boss by asking him to drive everyone home. Mr. Ivy League College Computer won’t do it, right, cause only a real moron would drive home after a drinking game. So you morons pile into the pickup and you’re gone. Bingo! Point for our side.
“Next, we’ll take on Google’s Deep Think. He thinks he’s soooooo smart because he can “learn” as he goes. Well, can Deep Think learn to play Spin the Bottle? Eh? With our favorite cheerleaders, Jessica and Brandy? Especially Jessica? You guys are Spin the Bottle pros but Deep Think will be fumbling, bumbling, begging to be excused so he can study for a calculus exam, the nerd. Two spins and — Bam! We win again! Einstein eat your heart out!
“But ya gotta hand it to those computers, guys. They’re pretty damn smart. The other day my wife used her iPhone to potty train our 2-year-old. In one day! Used to take months. Okay, so computers have the edge in some things but by the fourth quarter we’ll have ’em right where we want ’em. Answering riddles.
“Quick now! ‘How far can a man walk into the woods?’ Deep Blue’s gonna use all his artificial intelligence, thinking and thinking. Then Jason here’s gonna pop up and say, ‘Halfway! Because after that he’s walking out of the woods!’ Get it? Get it? OK how about, ‘When is a door not a door?’ Give up, Deep Think? Think you’re such a digital genius? ‘A door is not a door when it’s ajar.’ Hahahahaha. Now who’s the smartest guy in the room, eh?
“A few more riddles, and maybe a lightbulb joke or two, will take us to our final drive. Here’s the plan. With two minutes to go, we, the mighty Humans, challenge the amazing, brilliant, cutting-edge Computer team to a death match of Truth or Dare. Alex, you start. If Deep Blue picks ‘truth,’ ask him what his most embarrassing moment was. Computers don’t get embarrassed, right? We win.”
“Coach, coach. What if Deep Blue picks ‘dare?’ ”
“If Deep Blue picks ‘dare,’ we dare him to pull his own plug. If he does it, he’s toast. If he doesn’t, he loses. Slam dunk! We’re on top again. Evolution marches on. I tell ya, ya gotta get up pretty early to beat humans at our own stupid games.”