Richard S. Bogartz: Growing together is the hard part

Published: 09-13-2024 9:16 PM

By RICHARD S. BOGARTZ

The squealing of my imaginary friend Throckmorton’s “We’re here” horn signaled he’d returned with Brynhildr. Opening the inner door wide, I left the screen door ajar to save them from Throckmorton’s pummeling. He took the hint and entered without damage, followed by Brynhildr, who said, “Bogie, congrats on becoming a JP. We shun marriage, but lust after your advice to spouses and partners.”

“OK,” I said. “Let’s hit it. I read a list to Throckmorton but ran out words. I can start there. I assume he’s told you about the power of the four words “It just doesn’t matter.”

“Yes.”

“Next there’s the problem of change. A reality of your life is that you’ve always been changing. Coming together with another won’t change that reality. The trick will be to work at changing so that though you become different people, you share your lives so that the good feeling you have now not only doesn’t get erased but grows.

”How’ll you do that? This is your challenge. My one suggestion is finding activities you both really enjoy that you can do together for years.

“Money is next. Except in extreme poverty, you can be rich or poor at any level of income. If you earn more than you spend, you’ll feel rich. If you spend more than you earn, you’ll feel poor.

“Remember, money is frequently a battleground when the issue really isn’t money. If you’re playing power and control games, whether your incomes are the same or different, you can find yourselves fighting over what to buy, how much to spend, etc. This is an area where remembering that ‘it just doesn’t matter’ can awaken you to realizing you are really tussling about who calls the shots, the roots of which may well be in how your two sets of parents made money decisions, who was in control.

“Very interesting,” Brynhildr mumbled. “You know, I think we’ve gone down that lane more than once.”

I glanced at Throckmorton. He nodded and silently mouthed, “Yep.”

I nodded, saying, “No surprise. Money can make us go bananas when we forget the point of our being together.

“Another thing that can throw us for a loop is lacking understanding that what has happened has happened. It cannot unhappen. You can’t change it. The past is irretrievable. Unchangeable. It is what it is. Forever. The only thing you can do, now, is alter how you think about it. You can change your mind. Your attitude. Your perspective.

“Whether this is the way existence is or simply the way whatever we are works doesn’t matter. The reality is that the past and the future are totally inaccessible. We live in the now, act in the now, and spend altogether too much time in our minds thinking about the not-now.

“My next observation may be even harder to take. Keep an open mind. So often we decide that something or someone is good. Or bad. We think we have said something about the object or the event. But we know that there is no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ stamp on the thing. We also know someone else might reach the opposite conclusion. We need to accept Shakespeare’s dictum that nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so. And then stop thinking that way.

“Things that happen are. Things that are, last until they are no longer. This is reality. We respond to some things. Talking about our responses instead of what those things ‘are’ will probably keep us out of trouble.

“Thinking someone is an evil terrorist when their countrymen think they are patriotic freedom fighters may be useful if I want to take a side, but I think not so useful if I want to understand what is going on.

“How to be with others. What are the happiness tools? I recommend lightness, generosity, playfulness, compassion, honesty, and the best of them, kindness.

“To close, a man crossing a field met a tiger. He fled. Tiger pursued. Coming to a precipice, he grasped the root of a vine and swung down over the edge. Tiger sniffed at him. Trembling, the man looked down and saw below, another tiger waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

“Two mice, one white and one black, started to gnaw at the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry nearby. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!” (Abbreviated from Paul Reps in “Zen Flesh, Zen Bones.”)

Richard S. Bogartz is professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and an Amherst justice of the peace.