In the spirit of inclusion and diversity, I want to use this column to uplift voices that some of us don’t often hear or perhaps fully understand. We all benefit from listening – truly listening – to people whose lives and experiences may differ from our own.

I recently interviewed a wonderful couple, married for 36 years. Their story is one of resilience, honesty, and love that transcends traditional definitions. It is also a story of courage. Becoming one’s authentic self, especially being transgender, is a journey too often met with misunderstanding and rejection.

Discovery of his true identity

From the time he was 5, the husband (born female) consistently imagined himself as a boy.  In play, he was a warrior, father, motorcycle rider, and husband, often adventuring into the woods with a toy rifle to “hunt.” He loved assisting his dad with repairing lawn mowers and tractors and owned a real toolset to help with building projects. It felt natural to stuff a sock into his underwear to mimic having the anatomy of a boy. He enjoyed digging in the dirt with toy trucks and GI Joe rigs over dolls.

By second grade, he felt his first crush – on a girl. Yet, being identified as female, those feelings were “wrong.” Shame and secrecy quickly became part of daily life. Being adopted into a family that had wanted a daughter only deepened the heavy weight of hiding the fact that, although appearing to be a girl, he knew himself to be a boy inside.

Decades passed before he could give himself permission to live what he knew to be his authentic gender. “I felt guilty, like transitioning would destroy my parents,” he recalled. “They wanted a girl. They chose to adopt me on the basis that I was born female. I felt like I had to hide who I really was throughout my entire life.”

At age 52, after years of longing and even overwhelming suicidal thoughts, he finally found the courage to begin his transition in 2017.

Love and support

Long before transitioning, after he’d been with his partner (now wife) in a lesbian partnership for two years, he found the strength to share his truth with her in 1992. He let her know that he did not feel like a woman, and just felt that he was a man. Her response was not shock but steady support. “I was not surprised at all. He was always more like a husband in how he showed up,” she told me. “Protective, handy, taking care of our home. Gender doesn’t define love. Gender doesn’t change our bond.” Her acceptance became his lifeline. “I could never have done this without her,” he shared, tearfully.

After starting the transition process, not everyone was as compassionate and accepting. His father, deeply concerned about appearances, resisted the transition he was witnessing. “My dad did not want to be seen with me whenever we were out in public. As I was continuing to take on more of a masculine look, he told me to drop him off blocks away from church or stores when I was driving him to places.”

“It gutted me. I was always on edge when I was with my dad,” he said. “I knew he was more than embarrassed to be seen with me by people he knew. He was ashamed of having people see that his daughter was now a man.” As excruciating as it was to witness his father’s unrelenting disapproval, he felt an even stronger need to live authentically as the man he knew himself to be. 

Surprisingly, he was finally able to find some healing in his relationship with his father. His wife sat down with his dad and had a talk. She let him know how all of the rejection, criticism and judgment coming from him was very damaging, and that she truly wished he could accept that he has a son. His father eventually softened. “It blew me away when, a few weeks before my dad died, he finally called me ‘my son.’”

The journey of transition

Transitioning brought both excitement and challenge. Starting testosterone at age 52 brought on the joy of facial hair and increased body muscle, but also disappointment and frustration from hair loss. One of the most transformational moments was after he had a double mastectomy in 2018. “The depression I had been experiencing for a long time immediately lifted. For the first time, I could look in the mirror and see myself as I truly am, which was life changing.”

Still, difficulties remain. His voice is still mistaken as female, even though he clearly presents as a man. On the phone, he is always told “Yes, ma’am” and “Thank you, miss,” as his voice did not deepen after transitioning. Being out in public, he feels a constant fear of being targeted. “If I didn’t have to go out at all, I wouldn’t,” he admitted. He fears having people figure out he is transgender, since his body and voice don’t match in some people’s eyes. “My biggest desire is to ‘pass’ as a man. That has always been my first and biggest goal. I don’t want to be seen as transgender. I want to be seen as who I am – a man.”

Through it all, his wife has been his anchor – helping him navigate the medical system, supporting his recovery from surgeries, and reminding him that he is never alone. “Being fully seen by someone you love is beautiful,” he reflected. Their marriage demonstrates how love can adapt and deepen through profound change.

Looking forward

When asked what advice he would give to others considering transition, he was clear: “Be honest with yourself and your loved ones. Nothing is wrong with you. Hiding destroys you.” His message is to embrace who you are without letting fear, guilt, or shame stop you, and to not wait decades to live your  life authentically.

This couple’s story is not only about transition. It is about partnership, resilience, and love that proves marriage does not need to be defined by gender. Instead, it is defined by the courage to live authentically, with full support and acceptance of each one’s journey, as they keep walking together, side by side. 

I am cheering you on to listen to other people’s stories with an open heart. Every time we do, we take one step closer to a world where everyone belongs.

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with Non-violent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.