At play in the fields of Congress

By Bruce Watson

Published on September 05, 2008

Just as the kids have gone back to school, Congress is returning from its summer recess.

It was a short recess but an eventful one. It began when Texas Republicans gathered by the swing set and threatened to beat up Ohio Democrats. There was some shoving, bragging, and the usual "Oh yeah?," "Make me!" and "Yo mama!" Luckily Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi got word of the fight and broke it up.

The Congressional recess continued with a game of kickball pitting the House Judiciary Committee against the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. The House team was leading 13-5 when the senators got all mad. Cries of "Cheaters!" Cheaters!" were heard across the playground. A long argument about whether you're out if the ball hits you - "You are!" "Are not!" "Are too!" - led to a filibuster by the Southern GOP. The game finally ended when Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA) said it was his ball and he was going home. So there!

Meanwhile near the edge of the Congressional playground, two Democratic senators were chasing girls. No one ever found out if they were aides, interns, or just fifth graders. When several media vans - MSNBC, CNN, CBS - pulled up, the chase stopped. Reporters found the senators talking to the girls about fractions.

The whole school has been talking about this class of Congressmen. Why can't they get anything done? Why can't they grow up and do their work? Pass an energy bill? Make up their mind about immigration? Send global warming skeptic James Inhofe (R-OK) on a fact-finding trip to the sun? Why do they all seem to be biding their time, watching the clock, throwing spitballs and waiting for the next recess? The answers came in mid-August as senators faced off near the Congressional play structure.

The huge labyrinth of old tires, planks, and vetoed bills cost taxpayers $50 billion. The structure became a hot topic on talk radio last year but was approved when an Alaska Congressman inserted it as a rider on a defense bill passed at midnight. Ever since, the Congressional play structure has stood as a symbol of the 110th Congress. But it was more than a symbol when rival senators began gathering wood chips, circling, and calling each other "soft on terrorism!"

No one knows who threw the first chip, but once it hit John Kerry in the shoulder, the air was thick with flying wood. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who had been meeting lobbyists near the monkey bars, came rushing over to stop the melee but was pelted by wood chips and had to retreat.

Several senators took chips in the face and went crying to the Congressional nurse, or to their mothers, the big babies. The brawl continued. And when lobbyists from Big Oil heard the whole uproar was not about terrorism but about fuel efficiency standards, they jumped in with fists and an occasional rock.

The vice president broke it up. In his traditional role as tiebreaker, Dick Cheney voted to keep fuel efficiency standards the same forever. Then as punishment, he sent several senators to the White House where they had to listen to the president talk for hours.

For the rest of the recess, Congressmen from both parties couldn't stop talking about that fight. Who hit whom. Whose big brother was gonna beat up whose committee chairman. What the Georgia Democrat said when the Indiana Republican called him a "wimp." There was so much talk about the fight that hardly anyone noticed when Mitch McConnell (R-KY) got creamed in the dodge ball game. He was crying and rubbing his leg when the bell rang. Congress ended its recess and came back inside to continue goofing off.